Monday, May 14, 2007

Refresher

In my harried work brain of last week, I had a dim image that it would indeed be fun to go to "Taylor's Refresher" this weekend, along with a bunch of other activities I had planned, but I was so unaware of what "refresh" would really mean. And thank goodness, I got all kinds of "refresh" - spiritually and physically.

Friday night, Susan and I joined Noreen and Molly at a local fave, Sushi to Dai For. The conversation was wonderfully focused on recovery and being useful and how Susan is doing in Boston with family and new sponsees.

Saturday was wonderfully unstructured. I have made a commitment to do 30 minutes of movement 5 days a week, so I headed out to the beach just on the other side of the tunnel and had a lovely walkies. I get frustrated that my lower back starts aching badly after about 20 minutes, but hopefully I will get past that.

That evening, Susan and I headed over to Spenger's, a place I've been keen to try for years. Dad used to point it out and I wished I could give him a ring and tell him I finally did go there.

Sunday morning, I headed up to Napa to pick up G and M and journey up Highway 29 to the beautiful old Tucker Farm Center just outside Calistoga. G spoke and it was really inspiring - felt very reconnected to the program and had a great optomistic surge of energy and hope about how rich life can be when I do work the steps and get involved. Quite great.

We then took ourselves to St Helena and had the much-anticipated chow at Taylor's Refresher, which was just as delicious as I dreamed. Also the weather was just perfect and it was fun to see families with little kids all running around on the green grass.




Ah! Refreshing.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sunday, May 06, 2007

raising my pulse

This man makes me want to get out and jog a few miles!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

more inspiration

"I realized (it) was not going to magically fall off like I'd heard in this fantasy world. So I had to get my biscuit onto a treadmill like anyone else. I stopped eating bagels and muffins and started eating like a real person." - Jennifer Garner on losing her baby weight

And, I continue to find great joy and inspiration in the dancing Leila Ali. Could anyone be more beautiful?

paying attention, honoring movement

OK, filling up my "kick ass / I'm great" self by noticing, celebrating even the smaller moments of progress.

day before yesterday
- actually realized a tv program was boring and turned it off, read a book instead
- had a bowl of soup for dinner after a very big lunch (out with relatives - mom's birthday thing), instead of continuing to stuff myself, and it was just fine. i like minestrone.
- dealing with mom herself instead of eating at my fears about her (helps that i have been praying for her)

yesterday
- bought a tape measure, measured waist, took mental note of number, did not start bawling, asked myself to think of it as helpful data
- went to Trader Joe's, got a good mix of stuff - veggies, but also bagel chips. confronted and took a pass on the 4 different varieties of chocolate bar at the cash register
- ate a lot of vegetables
- walked 20 minutes (up & back from College for lunch)
- decided "YES" on getting the dog that Clare found

today
- chatted with a couple of trusted work friends about how I was excited that I got a bike and am wanting to ride it to work, that I am increasing activity and that 'the food will just sort itself out.'
- got my legs waxed. the matter-of-fact manner of the lady who does the waxing was very positive. it was like, well, here are some legs. i felt totally comfortable.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

leila ali!!



ok, my new hero is Leila Ali

she is strong, confident and yet sexy and funny and genuine

what a great body role model!!!

her attitude is so positive, she knows how to frame up a challenge for success, she is right ON

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Better late than never!

So, I am sort of resurrecting this blog and making it a bit more private (not connected to my profile and such) so that I can use it as part of my current journey / investigation / exploration of the thing I have been calling the "I Have a Body and I am Safe" project.

Googled and Wikipedia'd around on body and corpus and mind/body connection and all that. Somehow remembered the title of a poem with the word "body" in it - I know the title well but it turns out, I had never actually READ this poem. And it is the most perfect perfect way to start. Here it is:

Walt Whitman (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass. 1900.

19. I Sing the Body Electric


1

I SING the Body electric;
The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them;
They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,
And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the Soul.

Was it doubted that those who corrupt their own bodies conceal themselves;
And if those who defile the living are as bad as they who defile the dead?
And if the body does not do as much as the Soul?
And if the body were not the Soul, what is the Soul?

2

The love of the Body of man or woman balks account—the body itself balks account;
That of the male is perfect, and that of the female is perfect.

The expression of the face balks account;
But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face;
It is in his limbs and joints also, it is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists;
It is in his walk, the carriage of his neck, the flex of his waist and knees—dress does not hide him;
The strong, sweet, supple quality he has, strikes through the cotton and flannel;
To see him pass conveys as much as the best poem, perhaps more;
You linger to see his back, and the back of his neck and shoulder-side.

The sprawl and fulness of babes, the bosoms and heads of women, the folds of their dress, their style as we pass in the street, the contour of their shape downwards,
The swimmer naked in the swimming-bath, seen as he swims through the transparent green-shine, or lies with his face up, and rolls silently to and fro in the heave of the water,
The bending forward and backward of rowers in row-boats—the horseman in his saddle,
Girls, mothers, house-keepers, in all their performances,
The group of laborers seated at noon-time with their open dinner-kettles, and their wives waiting,
The female soothing a child—the farmer’s daughter in the garden or cow-yard,
The young fellow hoeing corn—the sleigh-driver guiding his six horses through the crowd,
The wrestle of wrestlers, two apprentice-boys, quite grown, lusty, good-natured, native-born, out on the vacant lot at sundown, after work,
The coats and caps thrown down, the embrace of love and resistance,
The upper-hold and the under-hold, the hair rumpled over and blinding the eyes;
The march of firemen in their own costumes, the play of masculine muscle through clean-setting trowsers and waist-straps,
The slow return from the fire, the pause when the bell strikes suddenly again, and the listening on the alert,
The natural, perfect, varied attitudes—the bent head, the curv’d neck, and the counting;
Such-like I love—I loosen myself, pass freely, am at the mother’s breast with the little child,
Swim with the swimmers, wrestle with wrestlers, march in line with the firemen, and pause, listen, and count.

3

I know a man, a common farmer—the father of five sons;
And in them were the fathers of sons—and in them were the fathers of sons.

This man was of wonderful vigor, calmness, beauty of person;
The shape of his head, the pale yellow and white of his hair and beard, and the immeasurable meaning of his black eyes—the richness and breadth of his manners,
These I used to go and visit him to see—he was wise also;
He was six feet tall, he was over eighty years old—his sons were massive, clean, bearded, tan-faced, handsome;
They and his daughters loved him—all who saw him loved him;
They did not love him by allowance—they loved him with personal love;
He drank water only—the blood show’d like scarlet through the clear-brown skin of his face;
He was a frequent gunner and fisher—he sail’d his boat himself—he had a fine one presented to him by a ship-joiner—he had fowling-pieces, presented to him by men that loved him;
When he went with his five sons and many grand-sons to hunt or fish, you would pick him out as the most beautiful and vigorous of the gang.

You would wish long and long to be with him—you would wish to sit by him in the boat, that you and he might touch each other.

4

I have perceiv’d that to be with those I like is enough,
To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
To pass among them, or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment—what is this, then?
I do not ask any more delight—I swim in it, as in a sea.

There is something in staying close to men and women, and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well;
All things please the soul—but these please the soul well.

5

This is the female form;
A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot;
It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction!
I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor—all falls aside but myself and it;
Books, art, religion, time, the visible and solid earth, the atmosphere and the clouds, and what was expected of heaven or fear’d of hell, are now consumed;
Mad filaments, ungovernable shoots play out of it—the response likewise ungovernable;
Hair, bosom, hips, bend of legs, negligent falling hands, all diffused—mine too diffused;
Ebb stung by the flow, and flow stung by the ebb—love-flesh swelling and deliciously aching;
Limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous, quivering jelly of love, white-blow and delirious juice;
Bridegroom night of love, working surely and softly into the prostrate dawn;
Undulating into the willing and yielding day,
Lost in the cleave of the clasping and sweet-flesh’d day.

This is the nucleus—after the child is born of woman, the man is born of woman;
This is the bath of birth—this is the merge of small and large, and the outlet again.

Be not ashamed, women—your privilege encloses the rest, and is the exit of the rest;
You are the gates of the body, and you are the gates of the soul.

The female contains all qualities, and tempers them—she is in her place, and moves with perfect balance;
She is all things duly veil’d—she is both passive and active;
She is to conceive daughters as well as sons, and sons as well as daughters.

As I see my soul reflected in nature;
As I see through a mist, one with inexpressible completeness and beauty,
See the bent head, and arms folded over the breast—the female I see.

6

The male is not less the soul, nor more—he too is in his place;
He too is all qualities—he is action and power;
The flush of the known universe is in him;
Scorn becomes him well, and appetite and defiance become him well;
The wildest largest passions, bliss that is utmost, sorrow that is utmost, become him well—pride is for him;
The full-spread pride of man is calming and excellent to the soul;
Knowledge becomes him—he likes it always—he brings everything to the test of himself;
Whatever the survey, whatever the sea and the sail, he strikes soundings at last only here;
(Where else does he strike soundings, except here?)

The man’s body is sacred, and the woman’s body is sacred;
No matter who it is, it is sacred;
Is it a slave? Is it one of the dull-faced immigrants just landed on the wharf?
Each belongs here or anywhere, just as much as the well-off—just as much as you;
Each has his or her place in the procession.

(All is a procession;
The universe is a procession, with measured and beautiful motion.)

Do you know so much yourself, that you call the slave or the dull-face ignorant?
Do you suppose you have a right to a good sight, and he or she has no right to a sight?
Do you think matter has cohered together from its diffuse float—and the soil is on the surface, and water runs, and vegetation sprouts,
For you only, and not for him and her?

7

A man’s Body at auction;
I help the auctioneer—the sloven does not half know his business.

Gentlemen, look on this wonder!
Whatever the bids of the bidders, they cannot be high enough for it;
For it the globe lay preparing quintillions of years, without one animal or plant;
For it the revolving cycles truly and steadily roll’d.

In this head the all-baffling brain;
In it and below it, the makings of heroes.

Examine these limbs, red, black, or white—they are so cunning in tendon and nerve;
They shall be stript, that you may see them.

Exquisite senses, life-lit eyes, pluck, volition,
Flakes of breast-muscle, pliant back-bone and neck, flesh not flabby, good-sized arms and legs,
And wonders within there yet.

Within there runs blood,
The same old blood!
The same red-running blood!
There swells and jets a heart—there all passions, desires, reachings, aspirations;
Do you think they are not there because they are not express’d in parlors and lecture-rooms?

This is not only one man—this is the father of those who shall be fathers in their turns;
In him the start of populous states and rich republics;
Of him countless immortal lives, with countless embodiments and enjoyments.

How do you know who shall come from the offspring of his offspring through the centuries?
Who might you find you have come from yourself, if you could trace back through the centuries?


A woman’s Body at auction!
She too is not only herself—she is the teeming mother of mothers;
She is the bearer of them that shall grow and be mates to the mothers.

Have you ever loved the Body of a woman?
Have you ever loved the Body of a man?
Your father—where is your father?
Your mother—is she living? have you been much with her? and has she been much with you?
—Do you not see that these are exactly the same to all, in all nations and times, all over the earth?

If any thing is sacred, the human body is sacred,
And the glory and sweet of a man, is the token of manhood untainted;
And in man or woman, a clean, strong, firm-fibred body, is beautiful as the most beautiful face.

Have you seen the fool that corrupted his own live body? or the fool that corrupted her own live body?
For they do not conceal themselves, and cannot conceal themselves.


O my Body! I dare not desert the likes of you in other men and women, nor the likes of the parts of you;
I believe the likes of you are to stand or fall with the likes of the Soul, (and that they are the Soul;)
I believe the likes of you shall stand or fall with my poems—and that they are poems,
Man’s, woman’s, child’s, youth’s, wife’s, husband’s, mother’s, father’s, young man’s, young woman’s poems;
Head, neck, hair, ears, drop and tympan of the ears,
Eyes, eye-fringes, iris of the eye, eye-brows, and the waking or sleeping of the lids,
Mouth, tongue, lips, teeth, roof of the mouth, jaws, and the jaw-hinges,
Nose, nostrils of the nose, and the partition,
Cheeks, temples, forehead, chin, throat, back of the neck, neck-slue,
Strong shoulders, manly beard, scapula, hind-shoulders, and the ample side-round of the chest.

Upper-arm, arm-pit, elbow-socket, lower-arm, arm-sinews, arm-bones,
Wrist and wrist-joints, hand, palm, knuckles, thumb, fore-finger, finger-balls, finger-joints, finger-nails,
Broad breast-front, curling hair of the breast, breast-bone, breast-side,
Ribs, belly, back-bone, joints of the back-bone,
Hips, hip-sockets, hip-strength, inward and outward round, man-balls, man-root,
Strong set of thighs, well carrying the trunk above,
Leg-fibres, knee, knee-pan, upper-leg, under leg,
Ankles, instep, foot-ball, toes, toe-joints, the heel;
All attitudes, all the shapeliness, all the belongings of my or your body, or of any one’s body, male or female,
The lung-sponges, the stomach-sac, the bowels sweet and clean,
The brain in its folds inside the skull-frame,
Sympathies, heart-valves, palate-valves, sexuality, maternity,
Womanhood, and all that is a woman—and the man that comes from woman,
The womb, the teats, nipples, breast-milk, tears, laughter, weeping, love-looks, love-perturbations and risings,
The voice, articulation, language, whispering, shouting aloud,
Food, drink, pulse, digestion, sweat, sleep, walking, swimming,
Poise on the hips, leaping, reclining, embracing, arm-curving and tightening,
The continual changes of the flex of the mouth, and around the eyes,
The skin, the sun-burnt shade, freckles, hair,
The curious sympathy one feels, when feeling with the hand the naked meat of the body,
The circling rivers, the breath, and breathing it in and out,
The beauty of the waist, and thence of the hips, and thence downward toward the knees,
The thin red jellies within you, or within me—the bones, and the marrow in the bones,
The exquisite realization of health;
O I say, these are not the parts and poems of the Body only, but of the Soul,
O I say now these are the Soul!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

don't worry

The theme in today's meeting up in Napa had to do with worry and how it is antithetical to faith. It also included reminders about powerlessness over other people and about how after you do pray and let go, you need to remember that God is not FedEx. That things happen in God's time.

How perfect - needed to hear that.

I've been so worried about my money and house and commute and all the logistics that I had gotten periodically paralyzed. Then I would need to get myself back into action again.

To rent the house, to sell? To move to Berkeley or not? To borrow some money to pay property tax and just commute? These are the questions.

And then there may even be a new wrinkle. There may be an opportunity for me to stay with my current company (which I am really digging) and working for them from either New York or DC in a slightly different role. It seems to be a move toward client-facing work again, something I've always enjoyed. So my mind is awhirl with thoughts and images of New York. I have very little mental material about the DC area, just one or two trips out near Sterling, which was pretty boring. What's nice is that I do not have to decide anything about any of this today.

I need to keep my feet in today, as Susan L always says.